 | The days that followed the loss of our baby were a blur. I was so confused, and did not know what to think. I felt like my body had betrayed me in letting go of our child before it was ready. I had been so terrified of delivering again but now I would go through any amount of pain to be able to hold our baby. I felt like no one understood, even other women who had been through the same thing. It was just something that happened and is typical in 20% of pregnancies, something you just let happen and move on. But to me it wasn’t. I felt I had entered some secret sorrow that lonely women everywhere were a part of and didn’t know how to process. I began to research and found that there are next to zero books on how to cope with having lost an unborn child, not many places to turn save one or two websites. |
Still I felt as though my heart had been ripped away from me. Telling the boys was the saddest thing. With tears in my eyes I told them that sometimes Jesus is the only one strong enough to hold the babies and that our baby was with Jesus now. I know for some mom's it is harder to be around kids after losing a baby but God has given me such a blessing and a comfort in being surrounded by them. They even seemed to understand in their own little ways what was going on. I cried the first morning after losing the baby, when I went to wake Jacob, missing the baby we’d lost, yet so thankful I had one to hold. Even at 14 months he seemed to know I needed extra hugs and big slobbery kisses and gave them abundantly. Joseph noticed me frustrated and starting to cry one day and tenderly asked "is it about the baby mom, yeah, it’s okay-maybe if we listen better it'll be okay." We’ve noticed in the past year that Jesse, now 4, is a very good encourager and true to form would remind me "It's okay that the baby's gone, because Jesus is holding him now." Jesse still mentions the baby now and then the one “that was a size like a blueberry” and it makes me smile that they understand and remember.
The most difficult part was just not being able to speak of it. I feel that to many, a child that is not born is most often thought to be a child that had never existed and so is never spoken of. Yet our child was so real to me, I saw its heart and heard its strong beating, as its tiny arms and legs fluttered on the screen. He was our child. We felt strongly he had been a boy, a little boy who already had a place in our hearts and in our family. A child we had named and were excited to meet. Now he was a child we would never hold and we missed dearly. The most comforting words came from Sherrie our midwife and I’ve summarized as this: Sometimes it just isn't meant to be, and yet God has still allowed us to contribute to this little life whether it's ours to hold for a little while or His to keep.
I know all the correct things to think and all the theology to back it up, but my heart still aches for what it misses. We know it's okay and our faith is strong, our child is with Christ etc..., but for us the reality of loss is still devastating- our family is now missing a son we never had a chance to hold-it hurts and we hate it. Ironically the name we had chosen fit our excitement and trust in God's choosing to bless us with another child, intentionally. Judah-as Leah said "this time I will praise the Lord." Challenging, now to return the praise we intended to give Him for the blessing God gave us even if for only a short time. Sometimes it just hurts and there’s nothing for it. Yet the challenge remains, to allow God the honor and simply accept the blessing in being included in His creation and what he chose to give us regardless of how soon it was returned back to Him.
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