A Lesson In Pruning

​In the days and weeks that followed losing our unborn child, Judah, I immersed myself in gardening like a mad woman. I had good reason too! Staying in the house seemed so confining and confusing. Stacks of bills, piles of dishes and mountains of laundry offered no encouragement, only a cruel reminder of everything undone, unfinished and depressing. Being outside was better fresh air was healthy and the kids loved being outside as well so they were less difficult to deal with. My garden needed all the help it could get anyway and I wanted to feel like I could fix something. I worked furiously taking out my frustrations on the weeds. I benefited from being with the kids outside in hearing them play with each other and laugh together. I felt a sense of accomplishment in planting-at least I could still grow tomatoes-it gave me a sense of control when everything else felt like it was out of whack. I decided to put in some roses alongside the fence in the back yard. I just happened to buy five-one for each of us Caleb remarked. 

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One evening while Caleb was weeding in the front yard, he called me out to see something. Look over there, as he pointed to the front corner of the rockery. There was a tiny little maple seedling with two perfect leaves. I thought it was odd, so did Caleb, there aren't any Maple trees close by-where had it come from? It's perfectly shaped tiny leaves made me think of our tiny unborn child as tears filled my eyes. A few days later I put it in a pot and it is now growing strong with a dozen more leaves. Perhaps it will become a strong tall shade tree near a house we will build someday.

​So back to the roses...Our three boys saw me trimming the roses a bit after planting them and of course...monkey see, monkey do. The next day I found they had chopped off some branches on their own which of course I was not happy about. I waited a few days and the blooms that were ready (and had avoided decapitation) bloomed and were lovely. It was nice to enjoy them amidst the sadness, and to see something successfully growing despite it's surroundings (i.e. my scissor happy boys). I've never been all that sure about when or how roses are to be properly pruned so I asked my mother in law, Marla and decided to give it a try. Seemed pretty simple-trim off the bloom at an angle just above a group of 5-6 leaves and you're done. I always wonder if I did it right, what if I've butchered my new rose bushes? All I could do was wait. 

​That was maybe a few weeks ago and my rose bushes all have new growth and the two larger ones are blooming out of control! Where I had pruned off one bloom, bunches of 4-5 new blooms had grown in its place. I just couldn't help but think of our own life as just a branch. We can grow fine often times when left on our own, but if we never cut back, we can not be forced to branch out. As I've thought endlessly about why we lost Judah trying hard to understand, I know God has been trying to speak to my heart and gently teach me. What he wants me to learn I don't always know and frustratingly I've asked at times if he could just spell it out already. Ask and you shall receive. Perhaps losing Judah, was a lesson in pruning. Intentional cutting back, of abundance, so that we would be forced to branch out. Branch out how? Perhaps to learn patience. perhaps to see joy, perhaps to learn peace. I know I'm probably not the poster child for fruits of the Spirit, but I have been learning to abide in Christ through all of this. I have welcomed the joy and comfort of my children and am finding a new found Joy in just being their mother. I have struggled with and eventually settled for patience with Caleb for future possibilities of children. I have found peace not just in that Judah is with Christ but that he has a place in our family-not only that but a purpose, and I have a peace in what his role in our family is.