For those who have lost an unborn child the most logical response it seems would be to have another child. Rarely it seems, do couples, refuse not to continue their dream of having a family. Most who are able to maintain hope know that they can never replace the child lost, nor do they intend that to be the outcome, but they do desire to have a child they can hold.
However we had three beautiful boys, after healthy pregnancies and never a problem in between. The week before we lost our unborn son, Judah, I had remarked to Caleb how blessed we were to have never suffered a loss or complication with our children thus far. Indeed, while most of our friends were just beginning their families, we had ours and we were content with our healthy bunch. Now that we had lost what would have been our fourth child the question wasn’t as simple to answer. Now my biggest fear was that Caleb and I would disagree on the matter. We had been excited to welcome a fourth child and so quickly had that taken away that it was hard to know the right answer. We knew we did not want to make any permanent decisions or any rash emotional decisions either. Our midwife Sherrie recommended 3 months for me to recover, but Caleb decided that we ought not to even discuss anything regarding another possible child for 3 months. This frustrated me and while I didn’t want to harp on the matter I wanted to at least get my feelings out and felt Caleb was not allowing me to do so.
We had driven to visit my parents in Auburn one particular weekend and got into an argument. We sat in my parent’s driveway for at least 15 minutes arguing when we received a phone call from Caleb’s best friend Jay. A close friend of ours had died that morning in a plane crash while crop dusting in South Dakota. Casey was a husband, father of four, and a friend to so many. He and his wife Lisa lived just down the street from us before they had moved to South Dakota a year earlier for his chance at his dream job as a pilot. The feelings of loss came rushing back as quickly as the tears and I wanted nothing more than to turn the car back around, return home to Moses Lake, and hold the children who had lost their father. Casey was my age and he left this world doing what he loved as a pilot and providing for his family. I finally realized why mine and Caleb’s argument was so difficult. I didn’t know how to tell him I wasn’t afraid, even though it had hurt so badly to lose our child. I was a mother and I was finally embracing that in all it’s fullness and if it meant considering having more children I was okay with that. Later we would hear testimony at Casey’s service that he had been asked two days before he died if he was ever scared to fly. His answer had been an enthusiastic “I love to fly!” and a confirmation that he knew where he was going if anything should happen. For me, I simply wanted Caleb to know I loved being a mother and I wasn’t afraid. I knew who our child was and despite the hurt it gave me a peace to know He was with Christ.
As we went inside and explained the sad news to our parents, my mother asked if Caleb and I had been arguing. When I told her yes and that it had been about the possibility of future children she calmly told me I just needed to be patient. I knew she was right, if I knew anything, and I decided that it would be best to just let it go. Late that night, with thoughts of our argument and the pain of loss freshly stirred up with the news of a Casey’s death, I decided to get it out one last time, and I began to write…
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