Giving You My Patience

​I knew I should have patience with Caleb but I didn't know how to tell him what I felt needed to be said. Somehow that night after Casey died it just came to me, my eyes flooded with tears and emotions compounding on top of one another I began to type away tediously on my little iPhone, huddled under the covers hoping not to wake Caleb. It felt good to get it out and complete in written form unlike my jumbled attempts to speak my thoughts. I read it to Caleb two days later, Fathers day after hand writing out on the back of a collage I had put together of Judah's ultrasound and a photo of Caleb and I a week after we learned we were expecting.

​Judah now would have a place not only in our hearts and in our home but on our wall alongside photos of his brothers. It was as much a gift to me, as it was my heart and how I felt, so that Caleb could understand and accept my gift to try and be patient. This is what I wrote...

​Sometimes there are simply no words to say,
And I don't want to hear another cliché
 
I just don't want to hear that my son was an angel-
He was a person I loved more than I thought I was able.
 
He didn't have wings or a halo at all,
Just a heart beat like mine only little and small.
 
I'm trying to see how this fits in Your plan
But sometimes I just hate it and I don't think I can.
 
I just want to ask you what this all means
Because I don't understand and I just want to scream
 
I want you to tell me, I'm trying to hear
But through this emotion your voice isn't clear
 
I want to make choices, I want to be strong
But I want you to tell me, I don't want to be wrong
 
At first I was frightened, you gave him to encourage
But now he's unsure and I feel discouraged.
 
You gave us a gift we thought we could keep
But now there's one less that we'll tuck in to sleep.
 
You said for all things there is a season
It's hard to just trust without knowing a reason
 
You wanted our input, how humbling it is
That you'd count on us to be part of this.
 
I'm comforted Your voice is all he will hear
It doesn't change the fact that we wanted him near.
 
Our arms are now empty for You hold him close
I'm glad-but I wanted to just watch him grow
 
To teach Him to follow you Lord, like his dad
But now I feel cheated, left out, sad
 
I love what I have, yes Lord, I'm content
But Lord, I'm unsure if this should be it
 
The boys that I have, a blessing indeed
They bring me such joy and that's what I see
 
I try to be patient I know I should wait
I want to be closer not push him away
 
Had none of this happened no questions I'd have
A life with no loss, an easier path
 
It's just not this simple life can be tough
The road we're now walking is unpaved and it's rough
 
I want him to be by my side, hold my hand,
Be unafraid try and understand
 
I want to be one in decisions we make
Though I may want more, Right now I'll say okay...
-Sharon Erlenmeyer