I saw a friend's Facebook post this evening and was reminded that today, October 15, is pregnancy & infant loss awareness day. It was originally signed into existence by the House of Representatives during the Reagan administration-kinda cool, and something I probably would have never known about. I know because, I am 1 in 4. You never think it will be you until it is the life you are living and especially if you are someone like me who began life as a mother with 3 healthy boys. It's almost ironic, as I am now 1 in 4 women statistically who, has experienced the loss of a child during pregnancy, that it was my 4th pregnancy that suddenly threw us all a curve ball we weren't expecting.
In any case, if you've been following my blog, you know we are now expecting a child once again. It is an exciting, anxious and exhausting time for us. Now that we are expecting again I am more at peace with the loss of Judah. I think I've mentioned before that if it were not for losing Judah we would probably not be awaiting this baby. Sometimes I wonder if I should miss him more and be sadder than I am now. In all honesty I sometimes feel a little guilty about being excited about being pregnant again. I feel that I should be grateful to be carrying another child enough to not complain about the difficulties of pregnancy. Yet honestly, I feel like I've been pregnant all year. I've been pregnant twice this year and after 22 weeks of pregnancy am still only now entering the second trimester. I miss Judah, but the peace I now have about him being gone is starting to make me forget. Not that I will ever truly forget, but the peace erases the worry and sadness surrounding the loss and with the acute hurt gone I think about it less. I guess it would be like a bone being broken-the pain is a constant reminder that it doesn't work right-that something is wrong, but when it is healed and no longer a bother you tend to forget anything was ever wrong especially if there is no visible scar. Until the weather changes and the bones ache-or when you are reminded that today is the day for remembering the precious child you carried for awhile. That's just life, it is good to heal, there is no guilt in not feeling the hurt so acutely, but it is good to remember, to look forward, and support and encourage those around us. I am thankful for Judah's short life with me, God has already used him so much in my life to bring me closer to Himself, to look forward, and to encourage others, and that is enough for me.
Judah, mommy could never forget you, I think of you everyday. Where tears once were, I have smiles. Where incomprehension once was I now have a better understanding. Where emptiness once was I now have little nudging hello's from your little brother or sister. I have a son who sits daily at the feet of God-you encourage me to trust Him more and press on towards the goal,
I love you,
Mom
I love you,
Mom
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