One Year-Goodbye Judah, Hello Grace

​I've been anticipating this day for awhile...Just like other days that have come and gone I have been curious how I would feel about their significance to me. 
 
December 20th, Judah's due date came and went just the same, with the hustle and bustle of the holidays keeping us busy and the excitement of little Grace on the way.

April 16th came and went without much more than a thought remembering that it was this day I found out I was pregnant with Judah as I now mother 4 children, little Grace now safe in our arms.

​Now today May 8th, one year from the day that awful weekend when I miscarried little Judah, I thought it only fitting to post about where I'm at now in light of that and having another little one since then.

Every woman who has miscarried has a different story and processes all the emotions a little differently. Though  the loss is the same and the process often similar, each child is his or her own unique little person as much as the way each of us mourn and grieve them differently. For some it is a recurring event throughout their child bearing years while for others it is an isolated, singular event. I can not imagine losing child after child and am deeply saddened for the women out there who go through this time after time trying to keep hope alive. Yet I can not relate to those women, nor would I try to assume that I know the grief they carry. Many of these women could have had all these children to care for had they carried their children through to a healthy and blessed birth. However I am not one of those women. Since I became pregnant so soon with little Grace, after losing Judah, we never could have had them both. If we had had Judah, we would not have had Grace and without having lost Judah we would not have sweet Grace-the two could have never co-existed.

​I had a very hard time grieving the loss of a child, not understanding why after three healthy and fruitful pregnancies, I would get thrown such a curveball, but I did get through it. I knew it was healthy to grieve, I knew the process and I let it run it's course. I allowed myself to cry, to be angry, to be sad, to feel cheated, to talk about it, to ask questions with no answers. The wound was deep, but attended to quickly and healed well. Yes there is still a scar where the hurt once was, like the reminders that pop up every now and then such as certain days of the year. Or when I was admitted to the hospital to give birth to Grace and in answering questions about my medical history, the answer is 5 pregnancies but only 4 births.

​Yet it is good to remember.  I find it very difficult to be sad about losing Judah now that I have Grace in y arms.  One child could never replace another, that is certain, yet we hold this sweet little girl only because we do not have Judah. Mourning has turned to dancing and the tears are gone, for it is because of Judah that we have Grace.

So how am I doing, one year later? I feel blessed to have heard the sound of both their little hearts and to have carried them within me. I am content and happy to have Grace in our lives-I can not imagine our lives without her and can not get enough of her sweet little face.

​I know we would have been content with what we had been given, despite what was lost, yet I truly believe that our daughter, Grace, is the extra, God filling our cup to over flowing, the free gift and the blessing beyond what we ourselves could have ever imagined. In all things and through all things we have truly been blessed beyond measure and for all of it we give thanks to God alone, the giver of life and yes, the giver of Grace, out of his abundant love for us.