In the days and weeks that followed losing our unborn child, Judah, I immersed myself in gardening like a mad woman. I had good reason too! Staying in the house seemed so confining and confusing. Stacks of bills, piles of dishes and mountains of laundry offered no encouragement, only a cruel reminder of everything undone, unfinished and depressing. Being outside was better fresh air was healthy and the kids loved being outside as well so they were less difficult to deal with. My garden needed all the help it could get anyway and I wanted to feel like I could fix something. I worked furiously taking out my frustrations on the weeds. I benefited from being with the kids outside in hearing them play with each other and laugh together. I felt a sense of accomplishment in planting-at least I could still grow tomatoes-it gave me a sense of control when everything else felt like it was out of whack. I decided to put in some roses alongside the fence in the back yard. I just happened to buy five-one for each of us Caleb remarked.
In the last post, about the roses and pruning, I had mentioned that I’d purchased five new rose bushes. Caleb had remarked there being one for each of us. Oddly enough, there are three smaller ones in between the two larger ones. I had mentioned that the two larger ones were "blooming out of control" and I have to tell you, that couldn't be closer to the truth.
I knew I should have patience with Caleb but I didn't know how to tell him what I felt needed to be said. Somehow that night after Casey died it just came to me, my eyes flooded with tears and emotions compounding on top of one another I began to type away tediously on my little iPhone, huddled under the covers hoping not to wake Caleb. It felt good to get it out and complete in written form unlike my jumbled attempts to speak my thoughts. I read it to Caleb two days later, Fathers day after hand writing out on the back of a collage I had put together of Judah's ultrasound and a photo of Caleb and I a week after we learned we were expecting.
For those who have lost an unborn child the most logical response it seems would be to have another child. Rarely it seems, do couples, refuse not to continue their dream of having a family. Most who are able to maintain hope know that they can never replace the child lost, nor do they intend that to be the outcome, but they do desire to have a child they can hold.
Hi, I'm Sharon
...and these are my adventures as a mom, as a musician, and as a writer using my creative abilities to navigate this life. It is my hope that in some way my life is an encouragement to you. Come join me as I strive to embrace contentment and gratitude amidst this busy, exhausting and wonderful life.